The Egg
Characters:
Erret………………………………... A disowned aristocrat
Pygro ……………………………..….. A homeless poet
The Stranger…………………………. Owner of the Egg
Ebenezer………Claims to be an ex-POW, friend of Erret
ACT 1:
In which we meet Erret, Pygro and eventually, the stranger
The Act is set at a park bench, late in the afternoon. Erret is sitting down on the bench reading a newspaper. Pygro is lying on the ground asleep. Erret sighs and shakes his head, clicking his tongue in disgust. Pygro does not stir.
Erret: Most appalling. Most appalling indeed! (Turns page) Tch, what a disgrace!
Pygro: Keep it down!
Erret: I beg your pardon?
Pygro: I said , “Keep it down”.
Erret: Well I never! (Thinks for a moment, then a mischievous grin spreads across his face) YAAGH! (Pygro clutches his head)
Pygro: Ow my head!
Erret: Serves you right for staying up all night drinking.
Pygro: You are despicable!
Erret: One tries one’s best. (He resumes reading the paper)
Pygro: Ah well, alea jacta est. (Stands) It is time, I believe for my afternoon post-snooze run. The body is the temple you know. (Jogs around the park bench)
Erret: (He watches his companion for a while then becomes annoyed) Here! Enough of that! You are making me giddy. (Pygro sits) Thank-you!
Pygro: (Fidgets) Erret?
Erret: Yes?
Pygro: Why?
Erret: Why what? Out with it lad!
Pygro: Why is it that everyday it is the same dratted thing? We awaken, we eat, we wander around the city, we come back here, I sleep, you read, I wake up, we talk, we sleep. Every flipping day. (Dramatically) Why, I can feel the monotony corroding my spirit! I can’t go on! (Falls back against the bench)
Erret: (Thoughtfully) Perhaps once in a while, you could read and I could sleep.
Pygro: (Abruptly) Parsnips.
Erret: What?
Pygro: Potatoes, turnips, watercress. (Erret stares at him) I thought we could name some vegetables. As a game. Marrow.
Erret: Alright. Carrot (Pygro clouts him on the arm) OW!
Pygro: If you get it wrong, I hit you.
Erret: Er…pumpkin.
Pygro: Sprouts.
Erret: Beans….OW!
Pygro: Squash.
Erret: Peas
Pygro: Onion
Erret: Garlic
Pygro: Cabbage
Erret: Cauliflower…OW! Oh enough. I tire of this game.
Pygro: As you like. (Erret picks up the newspaper. Pygro stands.) ‘And King Ahab of Israel and King Jehoshaphat of Judeah lead their armies against Ramoth-gilead’ (Erret groans in quiet exasperation) So gently doth the winds blow, causing the flowers to bend and sway as…..some dancer. I must write that down.
Erret: Oh do sit down Pygro! (Pygro complies, grousing and muttering incoherently) Let me read in peace! Current affairs are important to a man.
Pygro: Expression is important to any living creature!
Erret: Ignorant Oaf!
Pygro: Barbaric Philistine! (There is an awkward silence) Erret?
Erret: What is it.?
Pygro: I am sorry.
Erret: Me neither. (Offstage the sound of tires squealing is heard followed by a loud crash) What was that?
Pygro: (Stands on the bench straining to see) Ooh! It’s a….a…. (Thinks for a moment) What do you call it when two motorized vehicles traveling at great speeds collide?
Erret: A car crash?
Pygro: Yes, that’s it. Want to go have a look?
Erret: Why not? Might be good for a laugh.
Erret puts down the newspaper, and the pair shuffle off stage left. As they exit, The Stranger enters from stage right. The Stranger moves to the bench, sits down and from a pocket produces an egg. He proceeds to talk to it.
The Stranger:
So, here we are at last. A thousand apologies my friend for the sudden snatching up of you. But you see, I had to move swiftly least they take you. Who am I you ask. My name is of no great deal. You are far more important. Yet I see that you must give me some title. I am but your humble rescuer, I felt your beckoning and obeyed. (He listens to the egg for a moment) Yes, from them, vile, loathsome, creatures that they are. I can scarcely utter their name from sheer revulsion. A long journey it was too. Rivers I forged, mountains I climbed, braving storms from the very bowels of hell itself. Anything so that they cannot have you. You are far too precious, too beautiful for the likes of them! (Fiercely) Rather I be slain a thousand-fold, each way more excruciating than the last, than lose you to those that I pray will be dealt with accordingly and cast back into the dark nothingness from whence they came!
Erret: (From offstage) Wait for me Pygro. I forgot my newspaper!
The Stranger: Hark! (He jumps up) Someone approaches. Not one of them, but an infidel none the less. Quick my beloved, I must hide you! I must go and find your brethren! (Hides the egg behind the bench) Farewell, and fear not, for I shall return with all haste!
He exits stage right. Lights down, End Act One
ACT II
(In which our heroes pass time and Pygro finds the egg)
Again the setting is the park bench later in the afternoon.. Pygro re-enters, eating peanuts from a paper bag. He crosses over, faces the audience and sighs heavily.
Pygro: Always the same. Bland droll, dreary. Even the accident had no thrill. It’s alright for you. You birds can fly wherever you want. (Sits brooding but continues to eat. Erret enters)
Erret: There you are!
Pygro: It’s not right.
Erret: Now look here. Are you going to just sit there moping or tell me what the problem is?
Pygro: Mope.
Erret: That car crash wasn’t much fun was it?
Pygro: Nope.
Erret: (Sits) Still, no-one got hurt. That is a blessing.
Pygro: Is it?
Erret: Why….yes. Think of all of those medical bills to be paid, or funeral arrangements that may have needed to be made.
Pygro: But it’s none of our concern. We would not have to worry about paying anything.
Erret: Oh. I see what you mean. Cor! Look at those birds.
Pygro: Oh that I were they. What a marvelous gift to be able to plunge, swoop, glide and float. To soar over turquoise waters, caressing the air currents.
Erret: Not me. You know how heights terrify me so.
Pygro: And knowing my look, a plane would suck me into it’s engines. Erret, why can’t we do something different. Come to think of it, what are we going to do? What happens now?
Erret: I have an idea.
Pygro: What? What is it?
Erret: You may not like it.
Pygro: (Whiny) Come on! Tell!
Erret: Come in a little closer. (Pygro leans in eagerly) A little closer…..just a little more. There. (Quietly) I was thinking perhaps that you could think for yourself every once in a while instead of (Shouting) asking me every dammed time!
Pygro: Well, if you must be so rude. (Stands and paces away from the bench. After careful consideration, he returns to the seat) Bet you can’t guess where these peanuts came from. Any guesses?
Erret: No.
Pygro: Give up? From a rubbish bin. Guess where.
Erret: No.
Pygro: Over yonder (points) To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arm against a sea of troubles.
Erret: Blimey, where did that rubbish spring from?
Pygro: Dunno. Just popped into my head. Not one of my better quotes I must say. (Apologies to Shakespeare)
Erret: Terrible.
Pygro: I suppose you could do better then?
Erret: Indeed I could. But not now, for we must await……..the fall of night.
Pygro: Ugh! Night? That eerie void that deteriorates the very existence of us? (Erret nods) Fool! We could be long dead by then. Surely there is something else we could do!
Erret: Unlikely. (Pygro stands on the bench looking for something.) AHA! (Pygro falls off at the outburst.) We’ll sing!
Pygro: Oh goody. Do you know ‘I’m Bringing Totty’? or ‘Lonesome Lorikeets’ the thirty-eighth ballad of Ned Kelly?
Erret: Can’t say that I do. Do you know ‘Battle hymn of the Republic? No? I’ll teach you.
(Sings) Mine eyes have seen the Glory of the coming of the Lord, He is trampling out the vintage were the grapes of wrath are stored. (Falters) Er…..he hath loosed the fateful something of his terrible….pom-tiddly-om-pom.
Pygro: Terrible pom-tiddly-om-pom?
Erret: I forget. Wait……yes that’s it. (Singing again) He hath loosed the fateful lighting of his terrible swift sword, his truth is marching on. Now you try Pygro.
Pygro: (Sings) Mayonnaise have seen the gory in the coming of the Board. He is trampling out the village where the drapes and broth are hauled. He hath loosed the hateful fighting of his terrible swift thingumy, his tooths are marching on.
Erret: No, no, that’s not right. Try it with me.
Together in harmony:
Mine eyes have seen the Glory of the coming of the Lord, He is trampling out the vintage were the grapes of wrath are stored. He hath loosed the fateful lighting of his terrible swift sword, his truth is marching on.
Pygro: Ooh, I know the next bit. It goes (Singing) Lawdy, lawdy how peculiar, shall I strike thee with a ruler?
Erret: No you idiot. Can’t you do anything right?
Pygro: Poetry.
Erret: Eh?
Pygro: You said before that you were better than me. Let’s test it then. I read a piece that I have written and you do yours.
Erret: Alright
Pygro: (Produces a grimy piece of paper)
‘Tis a wondrous thing, the human spirit,
An unfathomable abyss of fortitude.
Accomplishing that deemed impossible,
Enterprising minds knowing no bounds.
And yet it is not enough…
We have invented devices,
To gaze into the heavens,
And view such sights,
That envy Hyperion himself.
But everyday we are slain,
By plague, war, famine and hate.
Despair threatens to crush us,
And still by some divine act,
We find hope.
A newborns first cry,
Grants strength and courage,
The will to continue,
The struggle.
For some, even this helps not,
And I am all but lost.
(Well I ain’t really a poet, so yeah, open to any suggestions)
Erret: Codswallop. Absolute rot. No wonder you’re homeless. Listen to this.
There was an old man from Peru,
Who dreamt he was eating his shoe.
He awoke in a fright,
On that terrible night,
And found it was perfectly true.
Quality stuff that. Yours didn’t even rhyme.
Pygro: It is called Free Verse. Not that I’d expect you to understand. A man of your calibre, or lack thereof!
Erret: Oh? And what would you know you philosophical twit?
Pygro: I would know that the very sight of you disgusts me!
Erret: (Shouting) Well in that case, I’m off. Goodnight! (Storms off)
Pygro: Yahh! Boo sucks to you! (Stretches and moves behind the bench, seeing the egg.
Oooh! An egg! (Picks it up) It’s a real beauty. I think I shall keep it. (Tucks it in a coat pocket and walks off, humming merrily)
At that point, The Stranger re-enters from the opposite side.
The Stranger: Oh my little treasure? Where are you? It is I, your humble servitor. I bring your comrade, the enlightened one. (Takes out a bacon rasher and waves it around) Do you see? (Talks to the bacon) Alas, I do not know, your honor. I cannot see the esteemed one anywhere. Wait, now I remember. Our cully was endangered and thus hidden by my hand. Do not worry. We shall stay close, I could not bear to lose you as well. (Places rasher back in pocket and gets down on all fours, looking for the egg. Eventually he gets up in dismay.) Gone! The noble one is gone! But how? Yes of course, them. This is truly horrible. I must fly to the rescue! To save my beloved from their clutches! (He pulles out a ridiculously fake weapon) Away! Kirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaarrrrrrraaaaaaaa!
He charges off-stage. Lights down, end Act II
Act III
(In which we meet Ebenezer)
The curtains open to reveal Erret sitting on the bench at the bus stop the next morning. His face cannot be seen behind the paper he is reading. Pygro enters from stage left, eating pretzels from a paper bag. He is wearing a hat this time. He goes up to the bus stop and reads the time table.
Pygro: 9:15? Drat! Missed the last bus! (Sits down and sees Erret. Not recognizing him, he tries to strike up a conversation, snack forgotten.) Afternoon Guv!
Erret: Yes, yes.
Pygro: Ho hum. The bus will come.
Erret: Not for another hour.
Pygro: Wait! (Reaches over and pulls the paper down. Both men stare at each other.) You!
Erret: You!
Pygro: Be gone with you!
Erret: Shan’t! I was here first. Get out of my sight!
Pygro: Never! Do you hear? Never!
Erret: Now see here! I do not wish to argue with a reactionary.
Pygro: I refuse to hobnob with a spurious cad!
Erret: Oh yes? You are a revisionist fool!
Pygro: You’re erroneous!
Erret: (Stands) Well you’re obstreperous!
Pygro: (Also Stands) And you’re fastidious!
Erret: (Screaming)Fascist Pig
Pygro: (Ditto) Trotskyite Jackal!
Erret: Bourgeoisie scum!
Pygro: Crypto, Trotskyite, Rapscallion!
Erret: Obsolescent, neo-fascist reactionary!
Pygro: Ideology ignoring, pseudo-bourgeoisie opportunist!
Erret: Dialect-logged, anti-proletarian empiricist!
Pygro: Schizophrenic, supercilious dolt!
Erret: Lackluster, lachrymose laburnum!
Pygro: Cretinous Antidisestablishmentarian!
Erret: (Out of breath) Drip!
Pygro: (Similar state) Twerp!
Erret: (Flops on seat, exhausted) Clot!
Pygro: (Also sits) Dill!
(There is a lengthy pause as they regain their breath.) Actually I feel better.
Erret: Me too!
Both: I’m sorry!
No comments:
Post a Comment